At the Minibar... DIAL-A-DICK, anonymous
What you are about to read is a sad and incredibly creepy, overly exaggerated story based on a real person who lives in your community. They shop at your supermarket. And that's about it, actually. So you're pretty much safe. Because if they did see you in the supermarket, they would hide in aisle 9, awkwardly, staring at dog food. Wishing they were staring at the cat food down the other end instead, because they don't have a dog, but they do have a cat.
Anyway, thank goodness she has a cat. Here we go...
DIAL A DICK?
It's a Saturday night and she's eating a snack pizza for one at her table for four. Her cat doesn't even want to sit with her miserable ass. It’s the day before her period, and she's in absolute despair because she definitely won't be getting laid for at least another 7 days... (on top of months now) and it's literally driving me, I mean her, bonkers. To take the suffering to the nek level, she's looking up memes about dating in your 30’s and reading things like…"Dating in your 30’s is easy, just like riding a bike, but the bike is on fire, the ground is on fire, everything is on fire because you are in hell.”
And you know what, it is a bit of Hell actually. Hell, in all its bored of masturbating glory. In all, it’s waiting for the dick that will never be magically delivered to her door, misery. In all, it's imagining the pizza delivery man was actually going to be Tom Hardy... and he was going to slam her up against the wall and Puts. It. In. and save her. Save her, from this unbearably frustrating situation I am, I mean she, is in complete power of changing, but won't because she doesn't want to make any effort what so ever and just wishes the dick would come to her.
Hell, in all it’s realising that shes actually becoming, or has already become, a creep.
Perhaps even a well-seasoned creep? Who missed the Courtenay Place cougar hunt chapter and moved straight on to...well, insanity. Maybe, she was just born a creep? And not in a 'Baby, I was Born this Way' kinda way, if you know what I mean.
Now don’t get her wrong, she loves being single, she doesn't want to marry you or anyone, she doesn't even want to be your friend. She has enough friends, that she doesn't see much... Any way! That's not the problem, oh no. It’s the lack of sex, and not knowing how to get it, or where to get it. You won't catch her dead at the local pub on a Friday night, picking up a local dick. She wishes she was brave enough to go on Tinder, then instead of sitting here writing this, like a creep, I could be getting slammed into a happy place somewhere completely out of my, er.. HER comfort zone. Ah fuck it, it's me.
Oh, and in case you haven't picked up already, I'm anti-social as fuck, so yeah, you probs can't help anyway, I'm sorry you spent time reading this.
Bye now. May you never hear from me again.
- Dick Desperado